I’m Not Fine

I’m not fine.

I’m not okay.

I’m struggling.

I need some help.

Those words are difficult to say.  They are difficult for me to admit.  But they are true.

I come from a family of strong Germans.  You pull yourself up by the bootstraps kind of people.  In my immediate family, it was made known that no matter what was happening at home, when you walk out the door, you smile and tell everyone you’re fine.

For years I did just that, often times through gritted teeth and a clenched jaw.  I did it until I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I didn’t have the strength.

I was not fine.

I was not okay.

I was struggling.

I needed help.

So I went to therapy.  It was one of the best decisions I ever made.  God used her, and that time to bring healing to the broken places in my heart and mind.  And God began to show me the beauty He would bring from those ashes.  I was forever changed.

Fast forward thirty years and I find myself needing help again.  To be honest, right here is where I want to list all of the reasons to legitimize my brokenness, but I’m not.   I’m learning I don’t have to justify my need for help, I just have to acknowledge it.

In light of my brokenness, I’ve been seeking help.  God has once again graciously provided a therapist and loved ones who love, support, and encourage me.  I’m so very thankful.

So why share this?  I could just keep this part of my life private and no one but a few would know.   To be honest, that’s what I wanted to do.  I wanted to keep this under wrap; let as few people know as possible.  But why?  If I think therapy is so helpful, why would I care if others know?

The stigma.

Even people who would advocate therapy for others are sometimes reluctant to seek it for themselves. Only the weak go to therapy. Only crazy people go to therapy.  Only those who aren’t relying on God enough go to therapy.

And along with the stigma comes the shame.  I am flawed.  I am weak.  I should be able to handle this.  I don’t have enough faith.

I don’t want to feed that kind of thinking.  I want to be a part of breaking the stigma.

Bottom line, we live in a fallen world full of sin which means there is pain, death, trial, change, difficulty, and brokenness.  God knew we would need help so He sent Jesus.  He also sends therapists.  I’m seeing a great one now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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