I love Google. I love the fact that whenever I have a question I can quickly google it and find an answer. Want to know when a movie was made? Google it. Want to know the meaning of a word you’ve never heard before? Google it. Want to know what they serve at that new coffee shop? Google it.
I love having answers right at my fingertips. The problem is, the questions I’m asking myself now can’t be answered by Google. Which means, I have a lot of questions, but no answers.
I HATE NOT HAVING ANSWERS!
Not having answers makes me feel stupid. It makes me feel unprepared. It makes me feel out of control. I don’t like feeling stupid, unprepared, and out of control. Yet this is where I am right now. New seasons, different circumstances, changes, can all have that effect.
So right now I’m trying to embrace the unknown. I’m trying to lean into the uncomfortableness and trust God. I’m trying to just keep doing what I know I’m supposed to do, those things I’m called to do, until the next step in this journey becomes apparent.
To be transparent though, this is more difficult than I’d like it to be. I want to believe that at my age and having been a Jesus follower for so many years, I would have such a trust that living in uncertainty would be easy. I was hoping that by now I would be able to wait patiently, with joy and peace, knowing that God had everything under control. (I’m not asking for much, right?) But if I’m honest, it’s still a struggle.
Yes, I know God has a plan. Yes, I believe He is sovereign and in control. Yes, I believe He is good and faithful. Yes, I believe He will guide me in my new season. The issue is, I want the answers and directions NOW! I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to be in a period of limbo and uncertainty. I don’t want ‘an opportunity to develop patience and trust’! And I certainly don’t want to have to continually reply, ‘I don’t know!’ when asked what I’m going to do now.
So I continue to wait. I look for opportunities to try new things. I take time to really think and pray about what I want to do and where I want to invest my time. I listen for God to provide answers to my ever present questions. And despite my three year old self, I’m learning more about patience and trust…