This past Sunday in church we sang a familiar song. It’s one I’ve sung many times before at my previous church. You know the kind, one that’s so familiar you go into auto pilot mode, singing the words without really thinking about them. Which is exactly what I did. I was busy thinking about some other things going on in life so the words were just flowing from my mouth until we got to the part of the song that says:
“It will be my joy to say
Your will, your way
It will be my joy to say
Your will, your way
It will be my joy to say
Your will, your way, always”
(Lay Me Down by Chris Tomlin)
The word that knocked me out of auto pilot was joy… it will be my joy.
But is it?
There are many times when I’ve said…Your will, Your way God. I’d like to say that I always did it with a feeling of sweet surrender and willing submission, but that would be a lie. Many times I’ve said it like a frustrated child not getting her way, with a heavy sigh just to show my annoyance.
I know that God’s ways are different and that His will is good. But they are not always easy or enjoyable. Sometimes His ways are hard.
He tells me to forgive the person who hurt me deeply while saying it’s my fault for the pain because I’m just too sensitive.
He tells me to love the person who lives differently from me, without heaping judgement on them.
He tells me to trust him when everything around me says things are going to hell.
He tells me to persevere in the midst of difficult times when I want to crawl back into bed and forget the world.
§§§§§
Now, here comes the part where I’m supposed to write out some wonderful verses or some great quotes that make it all so much easier. Words that bring meaning and clarity to difficult situations. Words that encourage and give hope. Words that invoke joy while doing the hard things.
I don’t have them to give.
My journey, my season right now is learning to live my life following Jesus without having all the answers and not pretending that I do. He’s teaching me to love him and to love others in the midst of all my questions and uncertainty.
It’s uncomfortable. It’s unnerving. It’s challenging. So right now I’m much like that three year old sitting on the floor, arms crossed with a scrunched up face saying, Your will, Your way……can you hear the sigh?
