It usually starts with a mistake made, words spoken that can’t be taken back, an action taken, another’s judgment, or a scene replayed in my head. Then come the self-deprecating thoughts. How could you be so stupid? What were you thinking? I can’t believe you did that! You always mess things up! You will never get this right! Followed by the inevitable pit in my stomach and the urge to run and hide. That’s when I know I’ve taken the leap to the spiral of shame.
I took the leap earlier this week. I made a simple addition error. Yes, I added wrong. But as soon as I realized my mistake, I knew there would be consequences. It was going to cost me money and my pride. I started replaying the event in my mind, hoping to bring about a different outcome. When it was clear that it could not be undone, the negative messages started flowing.
I thought you were smarter than that! How could you be so careless? I told you, you couldn’t do this! You just don’t have what it takes. Other people are going to see just how stupid you are now!
And since those weren’t enough, I started to recall all of the other times I had made a mistake or felt ashamed of my self.
That’s when the urge to run and hide kicked in. I was at home alone, but was sure that soon my mistake would be seen by others. Where could I go? Where could I flee so I wouldn’t have to face others knowing?
My stomach hurt as if a vice grip had a hold of it. I began to pace. I had an intense urge to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head!
I had taken the leap and was fully spiraling in shame. I wanted relief! So I began to look for the ice cream….
Not finding any, I tried something else. I asked myself a question.
Is this eternal?
Does this mistake have an effect on my eternal salvation or the eternal salvation of anyone else? Will this mistake cause the world to stop spinning or the sun to stop shining? Is this a life or death situation?
Is this eternal?
No. It’s frustrating. It’s embarrassing. But it’s not eternal.
So the rest of the afternoon, I kept repeating, ‘it’s not eternal’ over and over again in my head and sometimes out loud.
I could feel my relief coming. And as I started to climb out of the pit of despair I had dug for myself, I gained perspective. My mistake was an error, not a character flaw.
I’d like to say that after a few minutes I was able to let it all go and return to life as usual. But that would be a lie. It took a good chunk of the day and a night’s sleep to not cringe when I thought about my mistake.
That’s the issue with the spiral of shame. It sucks me in and doesn’t want to let me go. (Or is it, I won’t let it go?) It takes my focus from my what I did to who I am. It takes me to that place where I fear I’m not enough….
But I am. Yes, I make mistakes and I have flaws, but I am enough. Being who God made me to be is enough.
And mistakes of addition are not eternal.
