{"id":432,"date":"2015-10-31T01:46:37","date_gmt":"2015-10-31T01:46:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.karen-gustafson.com\/?p=432"},"modified":"2015-10-31T01:46:37","modified_gmt":"2015-10-31T01:46:37","slug":"i-wonder-what-my-mom-thought","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.karen-gustafson.com\/?p=432","title":{"rendered":"I wonder what my mom thought"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"image\"<\/a>Yesterday when I was looking at photos, I came across this one of my mom holding me as an infant.\u00a0 It’s one of the few photos I have of me as a child.<\/p>\n

The more I looked at it, the more I began to wonder. \u00a0What was she thinking? \u00a0What were her dreams and plans? \u00a0Did she like being a mom? \u00a0What did she think and feel when she looked at me? \u00a0What\u00a0were her dreams for me? \u00a0Did she have any idea of the pain to come?<\/p>\n

These are all questions I wish I could ask her. \u00a0But I can’t. \u00a0 She died almost eleven months ago. \u00a0And when she was alive, she didn’t really want to talk about her feelings or past events. \u00a0So now I’m left to imagine.<\/p>\n

I imagine that my arrival brought her joy; that she was just as excited to have me as I was to have my own children.\u00a0\u00a0I imagine her holding me, rocking me, and staring at me with a heart full of love.\u00a0 I imagine her dreaming about the woman I would become, the things I would accomplish, and the family I would have.<\/p>\n

When you’re a new mom, there’s such hope and anticipation\u00a0for what the future holds for you and your child.\u00a0 Nothing is set yet; there are only possibilities.\u00a0 It’s such a sweet time.<\/p>\n

But then life seems to happen, both good\u00a0and bad.\u00a0 I imagine my mom had no idea of the pain and sorrow that would come into our lives or the rift that would be created in our relationship.\u00a0 \u00a0I imagine she didn’t anticipate the forgiveness we would have to offer each other as adults.\u00a0 \u00a0Those are the things you don’t plan for when your child is young, yet it’s a reality for so many of us.<\/p>\n

So what’s a woman to do with the hurt and disappointment?\u00a0 I know there’s no easy answer.\u00a0 I know for me, though, I want to remember the sweet times.\u00a0 The times my\u00a0mom gathered my on her lap and held me tight.\u00a0 The times we laughed and played.\u00a0 The times we took on the world together.<\/p>\n

And the not so good times?\u00a0 Or the really awful times?\u00a0 I want to pour out grace, mercy, and forgiveness on a mom who was doing her best as a hurt and broken woman.\u00a0 I wish I could say I’m always gracious.\u00a0 I’m not.\u00a0 But I’m learning…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Yesterday when I was looking at photos, I came across this one of my mom holding me as an infant.\u00a0 It’s one of the few photos I have of me as a child. The more I looked at it, the … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":433,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-432","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"http:\/\/www.karen-gustafson.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/image9.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.karen-gustafson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/432","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.karen-gustafson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.karen-gustafson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.karen-gustafson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.karen-gustafson.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=432"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.karen-gustafson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/432\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":437,"href":"http:\/\/www.karen-gustafson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/432\/revisions\/437"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.karen-gustafson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/433"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.karen-gustafson.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=432"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.karen-gustafson.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=432"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.karen-gustafson.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=432"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}